Anger Management for Children: Advice for When Toddler Tantrums Are Too Much

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Not too long ago, the parenting experts at Education.com asked me for a little advice on a big issue: toddler aggression. It’s a problem that many of my patients face. But while toddler aggression is overwhelming, it is manageable.

To give struggling parents a helping hand, I’ve put together some helpful tips that I have shared with my patients and the good folks over at Education.com. Follow these steps and you’ll learn to not only survive toddler tantrums but to use them to help guide his (and your) development.

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Step #1: Stay Calm -- This Is a Learning Experience

Many toddler tantrums are a result of your child learning to manage his more powerful emotions. Right now, one of the only responses he knows to jealousy, impatience, irritability and frustration is the tantrum. It’s the response we come pre-programmed with!

When your child succumbs to a tantrum, the first thing to remember is to stay calm. When you respond to his emotional outburst with anger, frustration or violence, you’re teaching him that that’s the way we react when our emotions take over. Before you address a tantrum, make sure you’re calm. Count to 10 to calm your urge to yell or coddle if necessary. A firm but rational approach is best.

Step #2: Pull Him Aside for a Little Chat

Once you spot a tantrum, stop it in his tracks. Pull him a few feet away from the spot where the aggression erupted. Make sure you have his attention by kneeling down to the child’s eye level.

Then ask him why he engaged in that behavior (he may not know the reason and that’s OK at this age). Say “It’s OK to feel this way. But we don’t hit. It hurts them/damages that. If you do that again, there will be consequences.” Keep it short. He’s little and so is his attention span.

Have him apologize to the offended party if necessary. Remember to stay calm and centered. Then just let it go and allow him to continue his activities.

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Step #3: Time Out

If he continues the same behavior, it’s time to make the point a little clearer. Take him aside and talk to him calmly the way we discussed in Step #2. Follow by saying: “You didn’t listen so now you have to go to time out.” Remember to stay calm even if he loses his cool.

Pick a quiet spot that is removed from activity where you can keep an eye on him. If you’re at home, make sure it’s the same spot every time.

Have him sit for an amount of time equal to his age. Two-year-old children can sit for two minutes. Three-year-olds for three minutes and so on. Keep an egg timer with you to keep precise track. The timer starts when he sits still. If he tries to get up, simply place him back and say “you have to sit in the time out corner for two minutes because of your behavior.” Once the timer goes off, he’s free to go.

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Step #4: Stay Consistent

You’re shaping the way that your child deals with his frustration. He’s learning that his actions have consequences. To avoid those consequences, he’ll learn to curb his outbursts when his emotions well up.

But keep in mind that shaping him in this way will take time and consistency. He may try to run away from time out. That’s fine. Stay calm. Simply put him back and tell him that he’s in the time out corner for his behavior and he can’t go back to his activity until he sits for his minutes.

Don’t give in or respond to any of his other protestations. He’ll eventually get the point.

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Step #5: Exercise

Earlier this week, we talked about exercise as a great tool for dealing with adult aggression. The same holds true for toddlers. Work physical activity into each day and let him play until he’s tuckered out. You’ll soon find that he’s much too tired to stomp and rage the way he used to.

A Word on Normal and Abnormal Aggression

Aggression is a natural part of child development. But often my patients come to me wondering if their child’s particular display of aggression is normal or abnormal. Here’s my general advice:

Kicking, throwing things, biting, hair pulling and other, similar behaviors are all part of normal child development: even if they embarrass you during a play date.

Abnormal aggression is when your child destroys property, hurts himself, starts fires or intentionally inflicts pain on others. These behaviors are a sign that he may be dealing with more serious issues. I advise reporting these behaviors to your physician to root out any underlying issues.

In Conclusion...

Temper tantrums are a pain, but they’re also an important learning experience. Look at each experience -- even the ones in the middle of a crowded grocery store -- as an opportunity to teach your child and re-learn how to manage your own frustration. The stock boy will understand when he has kids one day!